i just wanna soil my oats bro
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
