dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize