So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
