party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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