I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
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