If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
