oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I have surprise drugs for everyone
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
