I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
