I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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