dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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