I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
