I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
