umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
