my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
