I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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