dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
