I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
