You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
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