Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
