Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
