I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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