turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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