ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
