I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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