Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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