Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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