How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
