i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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