She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
