You just made me feel so damn special
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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