I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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