just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize