Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
