Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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