Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
