Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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