It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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