Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
