i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize