Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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