have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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