and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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