Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize