So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Say something about gay babies.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Randomize
