If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
