Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize