3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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