"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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