He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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