I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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