fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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