he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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