I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
