My first STD was from a foam party
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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