Capitaan dildo arrescate!
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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