I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
