What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
