Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
