currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
