I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
