on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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