It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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