I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
