I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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