Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
you're hired as official boob wrangler
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
